volterator: (Smith. Just Smith.)
So what is vertigoranger? It started as a name i used to post to the Final Fantasy Online Forum, back in the days when i used to draw. I was seventeen and had already failed a photography course, in the process losing contact with one of the most interesting blokes i ever met, and my first 'goth'. The only man i knew at that time who had long hair. My brothers had had long hair when they were his age. I am, and do. Our Iain had long hair because he was an old school rocker, riding the end of the 80s. Our Dave, who knows? They both hated grunge when that happened so perhaps that means something. Later, I listened to rock because Craig did. Metal has never interested me but I knew all about Maiden and Megadeth and all that cheesy 80s shit, through familial osmosis. I have long hair, because they did.

The way i got started on music was when i was about fourteen Craig came back from Tunisia with a load of knock off Aerosmith CDs that he insisted on listening to at our house. I knew a lot of the songs coz i'd heard them when they came out. Our Iain had some of them on vinyl. I didn't dislike them, (i quite like Aerosmith to this day) but i wouldn't've have listened to a CD for fun if i was on my own.
One day that i distinctly remember i was sat in my bedroom (which was only marginally less tiny than the one i have now) and Craig wanted to know what sort of music i liked. I didn't know. He asked if i liked rock, or pop or dance or what. I said i wasn't bothered one way or the other. He told me, angrily, that you "had to have some sort of taste in music, everyone does, or else you were just a... freak." So, did i like what he listened to? I supposed.

And from that day forth whatever CDs he bought i listened to. And i did always like them, luckily. But once i started buying CDs of my own i never played them for him. I still don't. For some reason i take my taste in music to be deeply personal, and something to be embarrassed about. I wonder why?

My last couple of years of school were bad. Especially the last one. I basically truanted a third of the year, spent maybe a quarter of a term without lunch as punishment for the truanting, and was late literally every day i was there. I even started smoking at school. And i was not a teenage rebel type kid, (that's why it's so lame) i just hated that fucking place. I listened to my Walkman incessantly.

This wasn't so long ago, but school kids never had long hair when i was there. There were plenty of kids who wanted long hair, but none of them had it. If it touched your ears you were a rebel. No-one wore hoodies or skater gear at high school, yet. Hard to believe, isn't it? Indie music was still in charge. Paul liked The Verve a lot. They were Wiganers too.

But a casual interest in the occult, a lunchtime of flirtation with wannabe gothic nymphettes, a severe case of angst, some embarrassment, and a summer holiday later and i wanted to meet people who wore black. And fuck me, I did!

Five months of sleeplessness and depression later, i had to drop out, as i was failing. Wouldn't be the last time that happened, either.

Imagine if i'd had some real fucking problems. Imagine if actually traumatic things had happened to someone with that avoidant, over-sensitive demeanour. I basically felt i had to retreat from the world entirely to survive as it was. It was then that i started using vertigoranger as a username.

Had i been leading a normal life at that time, i'd be leading a normal one now. Has to be true. There's an awful lot missing from my last few years, and knowing this, don't you think that if i felt capable i'd have done something to fix this already?

Even my 'successful' college attempt was a bit crap. You know how many people i spoke to/spoke to me at college? And i mean spoke, as in more than a handful of times, not were friends with.

Eight. And one of them didn't do the full two years.

I made two friends, though. And that counts for a lot with me. Sorta lost touch with one of them already.

I'm a homebody type, and i don't like going places on my own, i get short of breath .

So what is vertigoranger? He was another front behind which i could avoid being out in the world. Somewhere along the way he got entered into faceparty, and he was wearing my face, and i let him get away with it. Now he's started making friends of his own, which scares me. He's braver than i am, ask anyone who has met us both.

Sometimes i find it easier to just avoid him.

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volterator

January 2017

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