Royal Visit

"British sports stars are so boring. Prostitutes, Twitter rants and injunctions, that seems to be our lot at the moment. It's been much more fun in Australia. Did you hear about the rugby player photographed with a team-mate's dog licking his genitals? Poor old Joel Monaghan was forced to resign from his club, Canberra Raiders, in November because of the reaction to it. Cleverly for him he's escaped it by coming to the UK, where the degrading antics of the rich and famous are protected by the Human Rights Act and a lot of willing law firms.

Joel plays his first game for Warrington Wolves this weekend. So if you live anywhere near Leigh, go and show some support. Just leave Lassie at home."